Bird. by. Bird.

I’m in the midst of going through Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird. Which is all about encouraging others how to write.

 “Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he’d had three months to write. It was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.'”

~ Anne Lamott

So I am in the midst of trying to figure out what is my next bird? Maybe my first bird in a long time.

Now I do not consider myself a writer, I consider myself a researcher and a student. I have this curiosity within me that desires to learn more. It’s a quizzical hunger that needs to be fed. Like Richard Parker in Life of Pi. This ever nagging brooding beast that just will not leave me alone and let me survive my day to day living unless I find a way to satisfy his hunger.  So my long metaphor to relay that, I am stuck.

I do not know what to focus on next, what to pick up and delve into. For the past couple of years, I have been meandering around the avenues of Improvisation, Theology and where they intersect. Which led me to Chaos Theory, which I still would love to wrap my brain around. Physical Theatre and Commedia Del Arte became next on the list and from there I wound up in thinking about play and theories behind it’s importance. My mind has been filled with sociologists, anthropologists, scientists, theologians, and artists thoughts and ideas and I have been drawing a blank for the past couple of months as to where to continue this learning journey. I have started hoping if I have something out in the world (i.e. a blog) it would push me to continue my research which my life so desperately is aching for.

Best way to move forward I know is to start identifying the things that have been holding me back.  A huge block holding me from continuing down this path of enlightenment, is a monumental loss. I lost a great teacher some months back. Amidst a hugely transformative time of life. Since then I have been in a haze and my desire to create and persist on this path seems to have dissipated. There is a huge hole I do not know how to fill.  I have been wounded immensely, by this loss, and have not found the exact way to mourn, remember, memorialize, and continue on learning without this teacher who blended life and teaching so well.

I am done wallowing. It’s time to keep inching along.

So what’s next?

Picking up old loves, or trying something new. I could get back into painting. Could take up photography. Maybe take some classes Yoga or Dance. There is a whole life ahead of me that is begging for me to do more. Reach out to my friends, write more letters. Be a good pen pal. Read some of the many books I have picked up from the numerous used book stores. Finish those half-done projects. Learn how to indulge in cooking. There is a lot of things I want to try and experience and I know I could overwhelm myself quite quickly by just listing. It’s easy to write things down on piece of paper, it’s much harder to actually get out of my apartment and make these things become my reality.

  However, I am going to try. I am starting with a class, Yoga to be exact, get my body back into some semblance of healthy and normalcy. Then I think the books on the beginning side of my syllabus are going to be finish Bird by Bird, and then get through ( I have started this book a total of four times I believe, is a stout bear) Rollo May’s The Courage to Create to get some existential psychology going on in the brain noodle.

Here’s to hoping I have nabbed my first bird.

Did I mention chasing birds is one of my favorite past times. ; )

What birds (ideas, hobbies, books) would you like to grab onto and grapple with?